Dear Administration of Marco Island Academy,
Even though our school is a great school to gain a higher education, there are some flaws. I may not know exactly all of the work that was put into the creation of this school and the amount of work to upgrade the school, but I do know that Mrs. Watt put our school second to her family, and that she is still fighting to ensure the success of our school. The only thing that I would do to improve the experience of being at Marco Island Academy (MIA) would be not to change how it is, but to change how it will be.
Right now, MIA is a small school with around 212 students, give or take. We are the size of a family; a family that is going to grow over the years. Once a family grows to a certain size, there are family members that we didn't even know existed. That's when those family members get lost in the crowd and are usually forgotten. We do not want that to happen.
Other students may disagree with me, but I enjoy how our school is a small, tight knit, family. Since we are a family, we know everything that goes on so the people around can stop bad things from happening. I am not saying that unacceptable occurrences do not happen or won't happen, but with our school family around us, substandard circumstances can be prevented.
If, in the future, our school is too massive to account for all of its students, the feeling of being a family will be lost in the abyss. The students and staff can say that they are a family as many times as they want, but they won't be able to feel like a family as much as we do now. My true wish for this school is for every student that has attended, is attending, and will attend this school to feel the way I do. That is what I believe will improve the experience.
I have a plentiful amount of pride for this school. This is because of the fact that I am in three sports, and in three clubs. Being involved in the school changes the whole entire outlook upon everything. You get a little taste of what it is like to be a family. The sports teams become not only your friends, but a different kind of family from the school family. You grow close to your teammates and you can count on them. I feel like there's more of a connection between your team family than any of your other friends because of the extensive amount of time being with them which every single day after school for practice. Sometimes you see them on weekends for a game, meet, or match. Just like any family, there are some members that you are closer to than others, these members might be your siblings or cousins. In school, these members will be your teammates.
Clubs are a different story. When you join a club, they ask you to volunteer in the community. Because of this, you grow closer to your community and feel more connected with those around you. That feeling that you get when you're packing up food for Meals of Hope or when you're helping out little kids is honestly one of the best feelings.
This is all happening because we are a small school. If you look around at school, you will recognise the majority of the faces around you and you know that you won't get forgotten in the crowd or go unnoticed. This school is amazing the way it is and I don't want it to change drastically. If MIA grows too much, there may be more bonds and relationships but they will not be as strong as the ones being made right here, right now.
Kayla, awesome-sauce job on this blog! If I had to give you a grade, I'd give you a Band 3. You have consistent focus on relevant content and form and you did a good job sensing your audience, implied from the beginning where you state "Dear Administration of Marco Island Academy." You consistently held the polite form and solution-oriented tone throughout the entire post.
ReplyDeleteYou began development of many ideas and topics however I don't think you fully finished or completed any of these. I wish you had elaborated more on your ideas, like what you meant by joining the clubs and where you were getting at when you had used the analogy about family members and cousins. You have few technical inaccuracies and you do a good job conveying your point.
Solid work Kayla!!
Just realized I didn't spend a lot of time commenting on what was good about this blog - - You held a very professional tone and you set up your argument in a very organized way. I liked the paragraphs because it made it easier to read. You have good length and if you add a little more depth this would become even better!!
Deletevery well organized the structure of the ideas you had were placed and transitioned very well. however, There wasn't any suggestions on how to solve this. As the Prompt stated "Write a letter to the MIA board and admin, suggesting ways to improve the experience at MIA."
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your blog post, I would grade it as a band 3 on the AICE rubric. Your letter had a consistent focus on proposing solutions to some common issues with MIA while having an appropriate sense of audience and a consistent sense of voice. You had a clear use of a structure, since you divided your arguments into paragraphs. You used some rhetorical devices and language in order to explain your ideas. You expressed yourself clearly throughout your post, which aided in your post's effectiveness. As a whole, your blog was well written, fairly effective, and satisfied the requirements provided by the prompt.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your overall structure, I think you could have added how to solve the problem you suggested. I liked the way you approach this topic though and gave examples. Good job !
ReplyDeleteHi Kayla!!
ReplyDeleteI really agree with Elizabeth's comment about your blog, and as well many of the other comments that had been left on your page. Based on the grading rubric I would have given it a band 3 or even a 4, only the reasons being that you really didn't address the prompt to it full extent.
While you had kept a professional tone thought out and your writing had really flowed really well thoughtout. But, it was really lacking within pointing out the flaws of the school and offering situations to theses problems. Your blog had went off topic a lot of the time and it's was an inconsistenacy that was seen thoughtout. While it was still in the realm of speaking about Marco Island Academy but it wasn't really adresss the prompt while elements were there. Like the profesional tone and it was the diction that you had choosen that made it to the audience to perceive it that way.
I always enjoy reading your blogs, they always seem to be well thought out and in large amounts of detail. I felt you had a great structure and identified how getting involved with the school has really made you feel apart of the family. Although, I really did not think you addressed the prompt in the entirety, as it is based around identifying certain things that have hindered MIA from improvement. Other than that, I found your tone to be very professional. I would have given you a band 3.
ReplyDelete